Why do you have to be so stupid? Why don't you have any priorities other than stupid shit school classes? Don't you know that you're credit card and school loans and everything that you need money for isn't going to pay for itself? Why do i have to be the bad person that has to tell you and yell at you about reality? Why aren't your parents doing it? Why are they letting you ruin your life? All i want is a future with you, but the more I look I only see it slipping further and further away. I just want to be like all of the people I know that are happyand are actually going to be with each other in the future. It's not fair that everyone is getting married. It's not fair that they're happy. It's not fair that you're happy ruining your life and that you don't care. It's not fair that I have to be like this. It's not fair that I have to tell you. I don't want to feel like I don't want to be with you. I don't want those feelings. I don't want you ruining your life financially anymore. It's keeping us apart. I don't want to be apart. I wish I didn't have you so i didn't feel this way. Maybe if I fell in love later in life it wouldn't be like this. but i can't change that

Why do I love you?

Why do I love you? I don't want to and you can't make me, but I do. I hate the fact that you're so stupid. Who give's up $570 a week to read peter pan and do 5th grade math? NO ONE! NO ONE EXCEPT YOU BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE AS STUPID! you tell me to calm down and that everything will be okay in the end. i don't want everything to be okay in the end. i want everything to be okay now. i want things to be going right, right now not later. I don't care that you went back to school. Whoopie! You threw away good money that others would kill to have for 5th grade math, history of drug addicts, self defense and reading bedtime stories! I'm giving up a freaking year of my life to be at home with you while you take stupid shit classes with the hope of getting into a program that you probably won't get through. I'm 20 years old and I've been in love with you for two years, and you've been in love with me for 2 years. Everyone else is getting married, thank you facebook for reminding me, and you're just pushing mine farther and farther away. I can't see it. I can't plan our wedding knowing that I'll have to wit longer than I should. It's not fair. All you had to do was buy me a ring. Oh and then, and then, you tell me that when we first started dating a year ago that you fucking got drunk and made out with some fucking slut at your house while a bunch of people were over. Oh but it's okay because I can make out with Graydon for 2 minutes in front of you so we can be even. How could I ever possibly get even with you for crushing my hopes and dreams and all i've ever wanted. Now I can't watch any of my wedding shows ( Say yes to the dress, SYTYD: atlanta, four wedding, or anything else) and I can't go on my favorite website to plan our wedding. Or look at pictures of things that I would love to have there. All because you're a FUCKING PUSSY WHO COULDN'T SUCK IT UP FOR 11 FUCKING WEEKS LIKE A GOD DAMN NORMAL PERSON! YOU HAVE TO GO AND BE A FUCKING STUPID IDIOT BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU WERE RAISED. THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND THAT ITS A FUCKING FAIRYTALE DISNEY MOVIE WHERE EVERYTHING IS HAPPY AND EVERYONE IS CAREFREE AND COULD GIVE TWO SHITS. I want to break up with you becuase it's not fair and I shouldn't have to deal with this. All I asked for was a ring. Sometthing that you want to give me but that I will probably never see. If you fuck up your own life this bad, how anm I supposed to know that you won't fuck up our when we're married? (if we ever get that far). i deserve a wonderful amazing person and I thought that was you. I want it to be you. But I'm not waiting forever. I'm waiting until I'm 22 years old,, which is the ring deadline, and then that's it. That means you have three years to buy my ring and pay off all of your debt. Better get that done. You don't believe me; I don't believe myself, but do you really wanna test me? Oh I forgot, we're JUST DATING. That's all. No big deal. Not like we're in love and planning the entire fucking future together or anything. From this day forwrad, October 15th 2010, I will never type the addrress wwww.project wedding into my address by ever EVER again, untill I have my rock on my finger. It hurts too much to see everyone else's happiness and plan for something that I'm not sure will come true yet. I will also not talk about marriage or babies or anything in the future with Bob ever again. It also hurts to much. You can't talk about the one thing I want like it's going to happen soon and not expect me to want it. I just want to be happy. I need someone whole not only loes me but can support me an make my dreams come true. Are you that person? Well one thing is for sure, we won't be having any sex, also starting on October 15th 2010 until you prove it to me. Which could take until my death . . .

I don't know what else to do. It's too late to scream, too late to go anywhere (except walmart). Even if I did go I'd be in pj's with tears streaking my face. I don't understand how people can be so stupid and ruin everything. If you're in debt and need money, you don't QUIT your job that that just restarted after a three month strike. You don't quit your job when you're in debt and need money AND don't have another job lined up. You don't do things without thinking; at least not permanent, life-changing crazy things. I haven't seen you in a month and now you make me not want to see you at all. I've been looking forward and waiting to come home for a month to be with you and only you and now i don't want to come home at all. I'm spending this entire week working to get all of my school work done. I'm spending the entire week whitening my teeth, waxing and getting ready to look great for you. I'm getting my hair cut and dyed tomorrow to surprise you. And now I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay here, 200 miles away from you and be alone. Alone, like I have been the entire semester here. Because if I come home I'm too close to you and I want to see you more than anything. My heart is saying "go" and my head is saying"no". You take all of me and use me for over a year and I let you because I love you and think that eventually you'll realize you love me too. But you don't. I had to do that part. I had to make you choose to either love me or lose me. You chose love. And you realize that it's the right choice, the choice that makes not only me happy, but you too. You say that without me nothing would be different in your life. Nothing would move forward and you would remain nothing. After all of my work and support you go and ruin it. I had to deal with you running away in a moment of rashness. I had to deal with a wonderful three months spending every minute with you for you to turn around and tell me that you're not happy and it's over. So I convinced you not to and that you still loved me when you said that you didn't anymore. That you didn't care, that you didn't want this. I went to the doctor and got medication to make me happier and okay. For you. I did it all for you. I push you and make you strive like no one else has. No one in your family even cares about you, if they did they wouldn't have raised you stupid, the wrong way. Or maybe they would have raised you at all. Instead it's become my job, and you fight me every step of the way. We shouldn't be fighting about it, you should just be doing it. Doing it to better yourself and not ruin your life like your parents have. but you think that's normal. it's not. just because everyone else's life is that way doesn't mean that you need to throw away the good things in yours to ruin everything and be like them. How much more can I take? You don't like when I told you that I don't know if we'll be okay. You don't like when I tell you that I don't feel anything, but you make me numb. You called. We fought. I should let things go. Things that just happened. Things that can't just be forgotten. Or did you already forget? I love you. You love me too. You tell me that maybe we should break up and that you should be with someone more fun, forgiving and in the moment. No one likes to hear that the last two years of their life were wasted. that their love for a single person is a mistake not returned. You think I'm crazy because all i want to do is be with you. to be your wife. i want that now and you want it too. right this moment it can't happen but in another two or three years it can. now you're content on pushing it to at least five more years. That will be seven years of dating. seven long years waiting for no reason. no reason at all. except that you screwed up your life and now i'm the one that has to pay, but it shouldn't matter because it's your life and you can do what you want so i shouldn't care. but i do. this life includes me. what about the fact that i'm wasting a year at home to figure out my next step. wasting it to be with you. well what about when i figure it out? i'll have to leave you. i won't be able to survive that long distance relationship. we won't be able to survive. but that's the one thing i need. the one thing that i know is true an will always stay the same. How am i supposed to be happy and normal when everything as i know it has changed? you won't be able to find a part time job, you won't be able to visit me at school, you won't be able to take me out, we won't be able to do anything as much as you say we will. we won't do anything. we won't be able to. you won't be able to pay gas or car insurance or anything. and when we were mad at each other on the phone you told me that i'm crazy and that basically you don't know if you're going to marry me. it seems like everyone else knows, especially on facebook. it's being rubbed in my face. we found each other well before everyone else did, but it's everyone else who's taking it further. committing to their love. making it permanent. making it forever.