I don't know what else to do. It's too late to scream, too late to go anywhere (except walmart). Even if I did go I'd be in pj's with tears streaking my face. I don't understand how people can be so stupid and ruin everything. If you're in debt and need money, you don't QUIT your job that that just restarted after a three month strike. You don't quit your job when you're in debt and need money AND don't have another job lined up. You don't do things without thinking; at least not permanent, life-changing crazy things. I haven't seen you in a month and now you make me not want to see you at all. I've been looking forward and waiting to come home for a month to be with you and only you and now i don't want to come home at all. I'm spending this entire week working to get all of my school work done. I'm spending the entire week whitening my teeth, waxing and getting ready to look great for you. I'm getting my hair cut and dyed tomorrow to surprise you. And now I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay here, 200 miles away from you and be alone. Alone, like I have been the entire semester here. Because if I come home I'm too close to you and I want to see you more than anything. My heart is saying "go" and my head is saying"no". You take all of me and use me for over a year and I let you because I love you and think that eventually you'll realize you love me too. But you don't. I had to do that part. I had to make you choose to either love me or lose me. You chose love. And you realize that it's the right choice, the choice that makes not only me happy, but you too. You say that without me nothing would be different in your life. Nothing would move forward and you would remain nothing. After all of my work and support you go and ruin it. I had to deal with you running away in a moment of rashness. I had to deal with a wonderful three months spending every minute with you for you to turn around and tell me that you're not happy and it's over. So I convinced you not to and that you still loved me when you said that you didn't anymore. That you didn't care, that you didn't want this. I went to the doctor and got medication to make me happier and okay. For you. I did it all for you. I push you and make you strive like no one else has. No one in your family even cares about you, if they did they wouldn't have raised you stupid, the wrong way. Or maybe they would have raised you at all. Instead it's become my job, and you fight me every step of the way. We shouldn't be fighting about it, you should just be doing it. Doing it to better yourself and not ruin your life like your parents have. but you think that's normal. it's not. just because everyone else's life is that way doesn't mean that you need to throw away the good things in yours to ruin everything and be like them. How much more can I take? You don't like when I told you that I don't know if we'll be okay. You don't like when I tell you that I don't feel anything, but you make me numb. You called. We fought. I should let things go. Things that just happened. Things that can't just be forgotten. Or did you already forget? I love you. You love me too. You tell me that maybe we should break up and that you should be with someone more fun, forgiving and in the moment. No one likes to hear that the last two years of their life were wasted. that their love for a single person is a mistake not returned. You think I'm crazy because all i want to do is be with you. to be your wife. i want that now and you want it too. right this moment it can't happen but in another two or three years it can. now you're content on pushing it to at least five more years. That will be seven years of dating. seven long years waiting for no reason. no reason at all. except that you screwed up your life and now i'm the one that has to pay, but it shouldn't matter because it's your life and you can do what you want so i shouldn't care. but i do. this life includes me. what about the fact that i'm wasting a year at home to figure out my next step. wasting it to be with you. well what about when i figure it out? i'll have to leave you. i won't be able to survive that long distance relationship. we won't be able to survive. but that's the one thing i need. the one thing that i know is true an will always stay the same. How am i supposed to be happy and normal when everything as i know it has changed? you won't be able to find a part time job, you won't be able to visit me at school, you won't be able to take me out, we won't be able to do anything as much as you say we will. we won't do anything. we won't be able to. you won't be able to pay gas or car insurance or anything. and when we were mad at each other on the phone you told me that i'm crazy and that basically you don't know if you're going to marry me. it seems like everyone else knows, especially on facebook. it's being rubbed in my face. we found each other well before everyone else did, but it's everyone else who's taking it further. committing to their love. making it permanent. making it forever.